Football may be a beautiful game, the most popular sport on the planet and the life of millions upon billions of folk, but do you care? For a surprising number of people the answer is still a resounding “no”. But with the World Cup fast approaching it will become increasingly difficult to remain a non-believer.

On such short notice, learning to like the sport is entirely too much of a chore. It’s preferable instead to cheat your way through the tournament, staying alive and social throughout one of sport’s most intense, action-packed months.

Dressed In The Dark is here to help. Take note of these six ways to blag your way through the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

1. Who cares about the offside rule?

In football spectatorship, it’s presumed that you understand this critical rule. This is to your advantage. The key here is not to understand the offside rule, but to avoid indicating that you don’t. That would only result in deserved ridicule and disgust, and an unnecessarily complex explanation.

Rather than learn the rule yourself, you are best served by pretence and confident bluffing. If interrogated, insist that you will not have your understanding of the game insulted. If pressed further, assume the position of the commentators on the play in question. Chances are they don’t fully understand it either.

Top Tip: “Me? Do YOU understand the offside rule?”

2. Pick your team with care

It is important to support a team, otherwise you come off as overly casual, exposing your sheep-like behaviour. While this may be the reality, and should not detract from your apparent enjoyment of the game, keep it hushed. Pick a team and stick by it.

The cool kids pick a true underdog, like any of the African nations, or any country that makes you think, “They play football?!” Anyone who backs David against Goliath gains a healthy share of respect. Australia is a good shout here, as a big outsider who may actually do quite well.

USA also falls into this category, but no self-respecting Englishman (or Frenchman) may support them. If you prefer the chance to win something for your support, but are unwilling to commit fully to a bandwagon, try Spain, Argentina, France or England – teams that will likely do well and have the potential to win it all, but are unlikely to do so.

And should you seek a winner, the smart money is on the likes of Brazil, Italy or Germany, with the greatest pedigree. Understand, however, that powerhouse teams attract the most obviously fly-by-night support. Unless you are actually from one of the favoured countries, your support may be seen glory-hunting. Indeed, above all, if you are lucky enough to be a native of one of the 32 nations participating in the tournament, you must support your home team!

Top Tip: It is okay to pick your team on the basis of the attractiveness of players or the colour they wear (not skin colour, mind!). However, you must never admit it.

3. On that note…
Temper your expectations when supporting The Three Lions. England has experienced a resurgence under manager Fabio Capello, but has tradionally struggled to cope with hype. Always a favourite, only once a winner, England does not have history on its side. Support wholeheartedly, but keep your tearducts informed.

Top Tip: “Well, at least we made the final eight.”

Check out the next three steps.

Liam Camps

To keep up with Liam follow @the_dos on Twitter.